Moving During a Global Pandemic

Inadvisable advice from someone with experience doing morally and intellectually questionable things.

Last updated on April 12, 2020. Created on April 11, 2020.

Engraving of a plague doctor.

Crop of a 1656 engraving via Wikimedia Commons. Public domain.

I'm moving from Florida to North Carolina during a global pandemic. Regarding this decision I have received many questions, such as "Why?", and "What is wrong with you?". I couldn't locate historical anecdotes of anyone who tread this path previously, probably because they didn't make it. But don't you worry, Reese is here. He will shed light on the finer points of a matter for which you voluntarily clicked or googled to find, so you are partly culpable for the spectacle thus recorded.

In other words: Hi, I'm Reese Schultz, welcome to Jackass.

If there's a ballad that best captures my time during the COVID-19 outbreak, it is indeed Corona by the Minutemen. Yep, Jackass' theme song is titled Corona. Give it a listen.

And why am I moving? My wife got a different job, and our lease is expiring soon. Her last day at the previous job was April Fools' Day, and her start date at the new one is 4/20/20. For that and other reasons, I firmly believe that our destiny is dictated by a 32-year-old stoner who failed to mentally mature beyond the age of 15. Twist: he's me from the future.

Being as I am qualified to write the next entry in the Terminator franchise, I proffer the following tips for moving during a global pandemic:

  • Try to confine your move to the most scientifically illiterate states, because their governing authorities are the least likely to enforce stay-at-home orders.
  • Consume take-and-bake pizza since 1) this may be the last time you do, and 2) what feels more reassuring than cooking potential viral particles into an inert state?
  • When you get anxious or nervous during your move, take a deep breath, and remember that you might die.
  • Use your stimulus package party money to pay other people to move for you, and help them forget that you placed them on the proverbial sacrificial altar by tipping well.
  • Obnoxiously cough at random to deter others from coming within close proximity.
  • If you're arriving at your destination for a new job, work from home anyway, invalidating the entire reason for moving and putting others' lives at risk.

Obviously this blog post will have went down in the annals of history as a lighthouse penetrating the fogs of a stormy night, delivering drenched and weary souls to solace. Yes, you're welcome. And no matter what you're living through at the moment, just recall the lyrics of Corona:

The people will survive
In their environment
The dirt, scarcity, and the emptiness of our south
The injustice of our greed
The practice we inherit

The dirt, scarcity, and the emptiness of our south
There on the beach
I could see it in her eyes
I only had a Corona
Five cent deposit

Put on your plague mask, and stay safe out there.

© Reese Schultz

My code is released under the MIT license.